In Case You're Wondering...

My Dream...

What is it that Jesse is referring to in the previous post?

I got my undergrad degree in fine art, with a concentration in photography. A lot of people are surprised by this because for the past 6 years I've worked at a bank and now in accounting at a non-profit.

However, when I was probably 10 or 11, I saved UPC codes to get a 110mm camera from Kellogg's Frosted Flakes. I was so excited when it finally came in the mail! I took pictures of everything, squirrels running up the tree, our creek, my face, whatever. In high school, I always enjoyed the art classes I took, they weren't just a "blow off" class like they were for most people. I loved creating collages for gifts, homemade greeting cards, and doodling on everything.

When I got to college, I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I even worked at a Montessori school for a year but soon realized elementary was not where I wanted to be. Then I switched my major to business. I was working at a bank and they would help pay for it, so why not?! While loaded down with coursework I despised, micro-economics, business law, macro-economics, yuck, yuck, yuck... I took a beginning photography course for fun. It was then I realized I was actually pretty good at it! My professor encouraged me to take another course, and Jesse (we were just dating at the time) was very encouraging as well for me to pursue art, buying me a drawing pad and pencil set for either Valentine's Day or my birthday... Anyway, I soon decided to switch majors again - to Fine Art this time. Surprisingly, my parents even let me do it!

Almost 7 years later, I haven't done much with it - a few paintings for friends and family, some photographs for graduating seniors and friends bands, a wedding, stuff for church and work - but I've been feeling the desire to do something more the past year.

I've finally decided to pursue my dream once again... I want to go back to school to get my MFA with the intentions of one day being an art professor. It may take me years to do it, and I'm not sure where I'll go (there aren't any local schools down here that offer an MFA), but I will do it!

For now, I'm taking a painting course at the Lynchburg Academy of Fine Art to get back into the swing of things and I'm being more intentional about painting and drawing in my spare time.

I was nervous to tell Jesse about this because he wanted me to stick with accounting, the practical career. But it's not one I want to do forever, and I felt like I was living his dream - not mine. He's been very encouraging ever since then and wants to see me pursue it. "Your dream is my dream" is what he said to me. What an awesome thing to hear from the one you love!

Here are some of my older drawings, paintings, and photography. I don't have any photographs of my newer stuff yet.

The outcome... not in-between.

Carrie and I were talking last night about an unrealized dream she has.  During our conversation she told me that she was nervous to share the idea with me because of how I would react.  In fact, she did her research on the topic, so she was prepared to share with me. I was overwhelmed with guilt.  This is my wife, the solid, "stable" one of our marriage.  Yet, she, because of me, felt it necessary to prepare her presentation about an unrealized dream.  It sounds, on the surface, good that there was preparation... however, my wife is supposed to, because I create an environment of openness, be able to share her dreams with me, regardless of their state of germination.  That is not the case.  I realize that my initial reaction to hearing ideas, especially from Carrie, focus intently on the in-between, the method and not the dream.  While the method is important, focusing on the outcome, as I do with my own ideas and dreams, lends support and enables me to be a part of Carries dreams, not a nay sayer stuck on the details.  I, at every opportunity, will support and assist Carrie in achieving her dreams, by focusing on the outcome and not the in-between.

I good friend said something recently when Carrie and I were dealing with intense pain, she said "I'm happy with you when you're happy and I'm sad with you when you're sad."  I didn't quite get the depth of her statement initially.  However, after reflecting on it for weeks, I've begun to understand the statement and interpret its meaning more fully.  To me it says... accepting someone as they are, in whatever state they exist, loving them fully, regardless of joy or sadness.

My zen place.

On a very hot day about a week ago, I was watering the lawn.  To many it may seem as though I'm just watering the grass, however, watering is my zen place.  It's a time for me to unplug and think about this or that and sometimes nothing.  Anyways, while I was seated, watering, birds started landing on rocks in my landscape.  Cautiously, the birds slowly made their way to the ground that had been saturated, they were searching for worms.  One bird, a Cardinal, caught my attention because he wasn't after worms, he was after a shower.  As I sprayed the water in the direction of the Cardinal he began to spread his feathers, to wiggle and twist, almost like he was dancing.  I stood there quietly thanking God for the living illustration.  This little bird didn't know where he was going to get his next bath and I doubt he thought it would be from a big, ugly human!  I felt overwhelmed in the moment feeling God telling me, "I can take care of this little Cardinal and I can certainly take care of you."  After the Cardinal flew away I sat there thankful for what I experienced, thanking God for such a wonderful experience.  I never imagined that God would apply the illustration to my life so quickly.  However, when Carrie and I found out that our pregnancy wasn't progressing, I reflected on that moment in my backyard when God told me, "I can certainly take care of you."  My heart is broken now, but I believe and can see that God is true to His word and is caring for Carrie and I.

This is a hymn I've listened to dozens of times since our appointment.



I remember being stunned by what the doctor told us and then thinking, I need Thee every hour.

Extreme happiness : Extreme Pain

About a month ago, Carrie took a pregnancy test and it indicated pregnant.  I can't say that I was immediately excited as much as I was shocked, even though we were trying.  The idea of a baby sank in quickly and got me really excited to be a dad, but the reality of a baby was still far off.  I've found myself at times just thinking about what it would be like and how I would deal with a child.  However, for the most part it didn't seem real.  Carrie didn't have a protruding belly or much else in the way of visible hints.  So, while I was excited, I was also in a state of disbelief... a happy state of disbelief.

Here we are just after we found out we were pregnant...

Today, we went to the doctors for our first ultrasound. We were excited to hear hour child's heartbeat and move from disbelief to reality with this baby thing.  However, what we were told is that the baby didn't develop and that we will miscarriage.  When I heard that it didn't really sink... my overwhelming desire was to focus completely on Carrie.  I feel like God placed in me (possibly men in general) an override switch that is guiding me  to support Carrie and deal with this heavy burden, together.  Our hearts are broken.  It amazes me how one can quickly go from a far off feeling, more an idea,  to absolute pain and overwhelming sadness.  Our pregnancy is all of a sudden so real.  I've known pain before, but it has rarely been so close to home.  

When I went to Haiti and witnessed the death and destruction, it made an impact, but it wasn't my family members that died... I was detached from their sadness, instead, I overwhelmed by the image I saw of myself.  I saw my reflection in Haiti, not the person that people see, it was unmasked and dirty.  All of my jealous desires, unreasonable expectations, mean spirited fun, and all around prick, were slapped in my face by the experience of watching people mourn for their lost loved one.  What God showed me in Haiti was how selfish and self-centered I am.... and how that effects my relationships, especially with Carrie.  But the experience of Haiti also encouraged me to look within and deal with my issues more thoroughly.  I can't help but think the tremendous fallout after was to prepare me to deal with the pain of losing my first child.I love her so much and am broken by her sorrow.  

I know God will get us through this and we'll be stronger because of it.  So cliche.

Haiti Pt. 1 - Initial Experience

I've heard it said that there are moments in peoples lives, defining moments, that shape us into who we are. It's not something I had ever given much thought or consideration to until recently. On January 12th one of the biggest natural disasters in recent history struck the impoverish nation of Haiti. My job took me to Haiti less than a week after the earthquake, which killed over 250,000 people. Bodies were still on the streets, little food or water had been distributed, and in parts of Port-au-Prince chaos reined. I'll never forget the heavy, almost palpable smell of death. In my excitement for the opportunity I didn't put a second thought into it when the opportunity presented itself to go and help. In fact, I went down excited to experience the situation. To say I was unprepared is totally inadequate. I didn't have a clue what I was getting into, if I did I probably wouldn't have gone. A couple months removed from the experience and having a chance to catch my breath and begin processing the experience, I can say I'd do it again and the same way. There were a couple of moments, possibly defining moments, that I'd like to share and also say a few words about the fallout in my personal life after I returned.

My first day in Haiti was spent driving around in a white van, imagine a VW bus and you'll have a good mental picture. The bus driver was from the Dominican Republic and the interpreter, Lou, lived in the DR but was from Haiti. Lou's wife and young daughter lived in Port-au-Prince. The first moment that really made an impact on me was towards the end of the first day. As we were driving down a crowded street with building after building down or standing but destroyed I looked out the window to my right, there, not 4 feet from me, was the naked, lifeless body of a man that looked to be about 40 years old. I froze. I'd like to say I was courageous but that would be a lie. I sat in the van hardly able to breath, lost all color, and seriously feared for my life.

As we continued further down the road we came upon a scene that is pretty etched in my memory...

Notice, in the photo below, two guys in the foreground holding a rope as motorcycles are coming towards them... why are they doing that?  This was the first time in my life that I genuinely felt like things were out of my control. In this moment I asked God, out of fear, to get me out of this. I felt helpless and afraid. I must say that seeing the body in the street and then coming up on this scene put me into sensory overload. My mind shutdown the systems that weren't a necessity. Had it not been for my friend sitting next to me shouting, "F***ING BREATH!" i'm not sure what I would have done... it snapped me back to reality. Looking back on the experience, this was really the only time I felt a real fear. In the moment, I didn't think we were going to make it out alive. I know it sounds over-the-top but it was a genuine feeling. We kept driving down block after block of devastated buildings.

Another moment that really struck me was at my hotel in the DR. I had come out of Haiti and was with my interpreter. We were walking into the hotel and Lou says to me in very broken english, "my life is very difficult, please help me." Of everything we saw and smelled, this is what spoke to my heart the most and overwhelmed me emotionally when I returned to the US. What Lou said didn't really set in. But when I got home and Carrie and I were driving home the drop-off point, I broke down. It just kept replaying in my head... please help me, please help me, please help... I once again felt completely helpless and hopeless. Here I was back in the US on my way home with virtually anything I wanted at my fingertips and my interpreter is in the same situation as when I left the DR. It broke my heart. I felt selfish and unworthy of all God has given Carrie and I.

I believe that my God allowed me to take in all the sites and sounds of Haiti and store them in my brain for processing at a later time. He knew that I couldn't deal with all at once or I would have had a similar experience as in the van. However, as the weeks and months have passed since the experience I've had numerous moments of clarity. God is using the experience to speak a lot of truth into my life. I went to Haiti a selfish, complaining, ungrateful jerk and came out, I think at least, a little less selfish, a little more grateful, but still a jerk.

Lou with his family for the first time in months.

I'll share more later.

Arts and Crafts

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged. My friend Deb of Simply Mae inspired me to post a little today...

I've had a few art projects as of late and thought I'd share them.

The girls in my community group and I got together one Saturday and spent over 3 hours painting pottery at All Fired Up (my dad's favorite place now when he visits us). I had a blast and am very pleased with my travel mug. The design took lots of patience and a very steady hand!

Next project was a little night stand I found at the Estate Specialist (I love that place). It was originally a dingy, peeling white. I wish I had a before picture, but I never think of that until it's too late... Anyway, I stripped the paint and stained it an antique walnut. It fits perfectly in our guest room!

On that same trip, I also found the adorable white porcelain lamp. I love it! Oh, and that owl is a cross-stitch I made when I was probably 13.

When we were snowed in (for the second time), I made a collage out of Jesse's cigar labels. He collects the labels from all his cigars and also collects them from friends, and even people he doesn't like. One year, we decorated a table top for his step-dad and have been wanting to make something else ever since then. This will end up in Jesse's man-cave.

I love how elaborate and beautiful some of the labels are.

That's all for now. Hopefully, I will not wait 3 months to post again.