Extreme happiness : Extreme Pain

About a month ago, Carrie took a pregnancy test and it indicated pregnant.  I can't say that I was immediately excited as much as I was shocked, even though we were trying.  The idea of a baby sank in quickly and got me really excited to be a dad, but the reality of a baby was still far off.  I've found myself at times just thinking about what it would be like and how I would deal with a child.  However, for the most part it didn't seem real.  Carrie didn't have a protruding belly or much else in the way of visible hints.  So, while I was excited, I was also in a state of disbelief... a happy state of disbelief.

Here we are just after we found out we were pregnant...

Today, we went to the doctors for our first ultrasound. We were excited to hear hour child's heartbeat and move from disbelief to reality with this baby thing.  However, what we were told is that the baby didn't develop and that we will miscarriage.  When I heard that it didn't really sink... my overwhelming desire was to focus completely on Carrie.  I feel like God placed in me (possibly men in general) an override switch that is guiding me  to support Carrie and deal with this heavy burden, together.  Our hearts are broken.  It amazes me how one can quickly go from a far off feeling, more an idea,  to absolute pain and overwhelming sadness.  Our pregnancy is all of a sudden so real.  I've known pain before, but it has rarely been so close to home.  

When I went to Haiti and witnessed the death and destruction, it made an impact, but it wasn't my family members that died... I was detached from their sadness, instead, I overwhelmed by the image I saw of myself.  I saw my reflection in Haiti, not the person that people see, it was unmasked and dirty.  All of my jealous desires, unreasonable expectations, mean spirited fun, and all around prick, were slapped in my face by the experience of watching people mourn for their lost loved one.  What God showed me in Haiti was how selfish and self-centered I am.... and how that effects my relationships, especially with Carrie.  But the experience of Haiti also encouraged me to look within and deal with my issues more thoroughly.  I can't help but think the tremendous fallout after was to prepare me to deal with the pain of losing my first child.I love her so much and am broken by her sorrow.  

I know God will get us through this and we'll be stronger because of it.  So cliche.